Search Results for: You are Never Separate

How Labels Dehumanize Us

November 17, 2016 By Cara Lumen

When we label people in our thoughts and conversations, we remove them from our basic connection as fellow human beings. If I label a group by their religion, or race, of gender, I add a whole layer of “garbage” on top of it. I add beliefs I’ve inherited. One experience may have translated into a generalization of the whole. That dehumanization separates us and we cannot heal until we remove it.

What do you label?

When you begin to label groups, you dehumanize them. They’re no longer people but a collection of your own fears, beliefs and misunderstandings. Labeling is extremely distancing and divisive.

It’s easy to label a group. I, unfortunately, am not fond of old people, although at 84 I’m definitely one of them. That probably doesn’t give me the right to be judgmental and I need to look at that. My general experience is that old people have given up and are no longer trying to be relevant in the world.

Of course, there are exceptions. I’m one of them. And I have to go online to find other exceptions. There’s a lot of personal judgment in my label of “senior.”

In my 40’s, I went back to college to get my Master’s degree in theater, so I’ve had a lot of gay friends in my life. I remember standing on a stage in a park with my friends when a group of straight men came into the general vicinity. I could feel the fear coming from my gay friends. I hadn’t experienced the same discrimination that they had, but I could definitely feel the fear. Nothing happened. There was just the awareness of my friends that they could be in danger.

I learned a lot from my gay male friends that enhanced my life and that of my family. One of my major takeaways was to realize that they all knew how to cook and clean and care for themselves because they would never have a wife to do that for them. So I taught my own sons how to cook and clean and do their own laundry. They make great roommates and partners.

Get to know the group you fear

I think fear is a big part of what keeps us separate. I remember sitting in my office in the Public Theater in New York City. I glanced out in the hall and saw a group of young black men who were going to put on a play there. They were simply talking among themselves. I realized that I felt fear and said so to myself. My co-worker quietly said, “Shut the door.” And when I turned I realized I had spoken out loud and that my companion was my friend and he was also black.

See how these unvoiced and unidentified prejudices sneak up on us?

When I was training to become a spiritual practitioner, there were many very strong women moving along the same path. It took me a while to realize that much of the strength I admired came from them being lesbians and, like their male counterparts, they had developed into strong, self-sufficient people, a quality I very much admire.

Get to know people in the groups that seem frightening to you

I don’t know people with very diverse backgrounds. There’s a bit of a mix in this senior community but the whole county is predominately middle-class white with a lot of affluent professionals, outstanding schools and a liberal approach to life. But this is Kansas. The population is organically not very diverse. So I’m faced with the challenge of finding interesting people from different heritages. I have to find a way to do that online.

I do find people from all over the world connecting on the world peace calls I join and some of the spirituality-based events I attend online. Our diverse backgrounds are simply part of the worldwide power when we are focused on the same cause. That in itself is a lesson in how to eliminate a label. Focus on our similarities.

The key, of course, is to get to know them as people — not groups, not labels — but fellow human beings on our planet home.

Get to know the stories of people in the groups you’re labeling

On the news I heard of a young professional couple who left their home in Syria and walked for ten days to get to the border and safely. Can you imagine what it would feel like to make that decision, to begin that trip and have no idea what the outcome would be?

Another Syrian refugee family was relocated to a town in the US where they were fundamentally isolated, not because people were unfriendly, but because the culture they encountered was so strange to them. They have no support system in this country. They’re on their own. What kind of labels do they have for us? Do they lump us into a category by the color of our skin, our beliefs, our actions?

When we remove labels we find our sameness

We’re all humans. We would like to survive. We would like to be loved. We would like to love. We would like to be productive and valued. That’s all you need to know when you start to label someone — we’re all part of the web of life. We’re all made from the Great Nothingness. We’re the same. We’re one energy, from one source.

Look for our sameness and the differences will disappear.

To Sing a Deeper Song consider:
The 50/50 split
How To keep Negativity Out of Your Life
How Do You Nurture “Different”
46 -How the People You Hang With Affect Your Life
45-How to Become a Mindful Presence

How Words Limit Us

February 23, 2016 By Cara Lumen

I had a huge personal shift when my friend in Spain said there was no word in Spanish to convey what I mean in English by “shift.” Isn’t that interesting!

Shift in consciousness? Shift in awareness? There’s no word for “shift” in Spanish. Does that mean I can’t convey its meaning? No, but it will take more words, and they, too have meanings.

We interpret words individually

If I say the word “dog”, we’re each going to have a different image – big, little, assertive, timid, friendly. You get the picture. So how do we tell our truth to others? Let’s think about that.

Understand the power of the words you choose

What seems a natural expression for us may have different meaning for others. The most prevalent example for me is the word “God.” To me it suggests a male, an older person, a father figure…some of us would prefer to think of God as a woman.

The word limits us because it’s too close to the limitations of our humanness. And whatever “God” is, it’s much, much bigger than that.

So we look around for other words. I like “Tao” because I have nothing associated with that. All-that-is, Nothingness, Universal Mind. Those are closer, but are still tangible. We’re looking for a word to mean what Rumi called “the nowhere that you came from.”

How do we convey our meaning?

Learn to speak in the language of the other person. You won’t use the same vocabulary with a baby as you will with a 5-year-old, or a teenager or an adult. They each have different frames of reference. It would help our communication if we learned to be aware of the frame of reference of the other person when we speak.

Recently, I was playing cards with some senior friends, and in answer to a query I was trying to explain what I did. They will not identify with “spiritual philosopher.” They may not have an aware experience of “personal growth” let alone “self-awareness” “spiritual expansion” and “impactful service.” So I needed to find simpler words.

I think my answer was that I was having a fabulous time doing it and was experiencing my own personal growth. After some thought, the next time we met, I was able to explain what I do as, “I write about life.”

What are the simplest words you can use to explain what you do?

We have to learn to write for and speak to people in words they can understand. Lack of experience in the area of which we are speaking is a very interesting barrier to communication.

For instance, I can’t in any way identify with the “burn” of a muscle since I’ve never pushed myself that far.

How have you misinterpreted the meaning of a word?

That brings us to ourselves. I wonder who I have misunderstood simply because of the words that were used that I couldn’t identify with.

I prefer to learn to read the energy behind the words. And we need to learn to listen to what is not being said.

I was on the executive committee of our Residents’ Association and we had begun to hold our meetings in the commons room rather than the library with the door shut. It felt like it was more transparent.

The vice-president was in charge of a particular meeting and she asked us to set up in the library. I started thinking all sorts of thoughts about being secretive until she said “I can’t hear very well in here.” Boy, do we make things hard on ourselves by jumping to conclusions.

Learn to read the energy

Years ago, I visited a friend who was a practicing Buddhist. She had a small box mounted on her wall with two doors that opened. She spent time before it in meditation and chanting. I asked if I could look inside.

When I opened the two small doors, a flood of loving energy came pouring out, surrounding, encompassing, and embracing me. Inside was a scroll with words I could not read. But I could “read” the energy.

Get your antenna out

When you’re with someone, move inside yourself and start reading the energy you’re receiving – energy that underlies their words, energy from their emotions. Construct your responses based on that energy rather than the words you hear. There may be worry, or fear, there may be joy or excitement.

We express much more through our personal energy than through our words.

Learn to speak the language of one-ness

We’re all one energy. We’re not separate from anyone – the ones we like and the ones we’re not particularly drawn to. That doesn’t mean you have to hang out with energy that no longer nourishes and supports you.

However, it’ll help if you begin to notice how you feel when you talk to someone and use this as a barometer of the success of the communication.

Words limit us. But our feelings and intuition, on the other hand, build a bridge.

To Sing a Deeper Song consider:
Engage in the Power of trust
How to Deepen Your Calling
Is Everything You Know Still True
21 – How to Share a Piece of Your Soul 15
28 – How to Walk Beside Someone in Service
23 – What Are the Truths You Live By?

Come Sing a Deeper Song

How to Make Stuff Happen

October 25, 2010 By Cara Lumen

by Cara Lumen

I first became aware of an easy way to make stuff happen when I became a Reiki Master Teacher in New York City years ago. I had come back from being Certified, I was ready to teach and my thought was “how do I make this happen?” Then I realized I simply had to make it up – just the way I wanted it to be. So I picked up my calendar and started writing in dates for first degree classes and second degree classes – allowing enough time for there to be two first degree classes before there was a second degree class. That’s it. That’s the big secret. Simply schedule it.

Keep it realistic

I recently was asked to provide a whole year of training for a membership site. It involves 12 introductory calls on topics of interest that would introduce the upcoming six three-week telecourse. First I decided on the six telecourses, then I thought of topics that would lead into them. I picked a date on the calendar to begin and I had my schedule.

Then it occurred to me that if I’m preparing all of this material for a closed community I needed to find a way to leverage all the work into value for my own community. So once again, I pulled out my calendar and scheduled three teleclasses for the first half of the year accompanied by some free intro teleclasses to be offered to my own community. I made longer classes out of shorter ones and repurposed intro talks for the two communities.

And that’s when I begin to feel full up. The schedule looks great. I love to write teleclasses. And that’s a lot of work over a long period of time. As you make up your schedule be realistic about what you can do. Remember, scheduling it is only half the fun.

Schedule plenty of time to create the product

Fortunately I’m working two and a half months ahead on the teleclasses so I’m having a great time creating the courses because I’m not pressured. And I’m expanding a six week course I will give in January into six three week courses for the membership site so the material will only grow richer. And it will all turn into a book at the end of the year. Leverage every idea you have. Repurpose. Chunk up. Chunk down. One idea can show up in a lot of different costumes just like an actor in a play. The actor it the same, the role is different.

I love to make stuff up and I never schedule my creative time so that I feel pressured. Allow yourself time to do your very best – to make the most stimulating handouts, to find the richest resources, to outline the most fascinating intro calls. Work steadily. Schedule time to create. Make a project management schedule so you get written what you need to write – steadily, without pressure. Mark off whole mornings or afternoons so you can concentrate and get your work done in a flow of deep concentration. Enjoy your own creative process.

Make a strong marketing plan for each event

For me the fun stuff is in making up the course or writing the book. But I have made a list of what I have to do surrounding each and every event or product launch. It’s a template I use for each project. I have four sections: Creation, Participant Emails, Publicity and Promotion. I work in Word with a column to check off when each step is completed. These are the steps I take for a teleclass that can be translated into any product launch. Here’s how it is set up:

CREATION

Write landing page (I do this first to clarify my intentions. I tweak it after the product is complete)
Autoresponders set up to reply to those who purchase or enroll
Buy now button set up for the product on the landing page
Write the first draft
Have the interactive elements completed (handouts for a class)
Create Power Points if used
Complete the second draft
Create Student Participation page on line (This is where I deliver the handouts and homework and MP3s. It is a web page for the participants)
Put the Student Participation Page up – it is complete and ready for the course
Create five emails to promote the event or product to send to my community and contacts who might help promote

CLASS INTERACTION

Write instructions to be sent to students three days before which includes call in number and any post course instructions
Write email reminder of the class starting to be sent the day before

PUBLICITY

I start actively promoting six weeks out. There is an Early Bird special with a deadline. But even before that I have been talking about the product in my blog posts and emagazine to begin to get people interested.

Add announcement of product or course to web site
Put the landing page up
Post event date on blog & web site
Write in newsletter
Write Media Questions out
Put out press release

PROMOTION

Email to my community of Book Yourself Solid Coaches with Early Bird Special and ask them to promote it to their communities. Send out email promotional copy to make it easy for them to promote. (I’m lucky to have this group who are willing to help each other. This is different than sending to my list. See if you can develop a community of colleagues with similar target audiences who will help you cross promote.)
Post on FaceBook
Post on Twitter
Write six blog post discussing aspects of course & post them as continuous reminders of the upcoming event
Get scheduled on some radio shows
Find some new JV partners for the project
Contact others in person who may not be on my list to see if they will promote
Comp a person or two into the class. That helps you have people who you know will participate and feels supportive. If an ebook, send out some advanced copies and ask for a review.
Ask for testimonials after the course or after the book has been read. Put those on your landing page or in the front of your book.

PUBLICITY TO MY LIST

Statistics now say that people need to hear of something 24 or more times before they will buy. That’s why I start mentioning that I am working on the product a few months out to start an awareness in my community. I can’t bring myself to flood my community with emails so I got with this schedule.

First announcement to email list – six weeks out
Second announcement to email list 5 weeks out
Third announcement to list – Early Bird ends tomorrow
Announce with emagazine
Starts tomorrow email out (You’d be surprised how many people this email adds to your event.)

It’s like having two separate projects – one to create the product or service, the other to launch it. As you work on your schedule add these promotional steps to your list and leave time to get them done.

Why I love to make stuff up

Every time I write a new ebook or create a new telecourse I learn something new. It may be that I write a better landing page and thus strengthen my skills at that. It may be that I deepen my own knowledge while deciding how I want to teach a certain point. And always it is about the joy of preparing something that will serve others – that will give them information that will make a difference, or motivate them to take a bigger next step, or inspire them to know they can do more.

If you have an idea it is probably yours to do. And if you choose to do it simply put it on your calendar and start talking about it in your blog posts and emagazine to start creating interest and to get yourself committed to the project. Then do it. That’s how to make stuff happen.

What To Do With A Scattered Client

August 2, 2010 By Cara Lumen

by Cara Lumen

I was going in circles with a client – she didn’t seem to remember her own decisions and was very caught in the emotion caused by the fact that she had put something off till the last minute and it might not be ready. I found myself creating all sorts of ways to make the situation come out all right for both of us.

What do I need to address?

It took me two sessions to figure out we were going it circles. In the second session I found we had made absolutely no progress because she had not made a key decision to make a particular change and had not taken any action on it so we essentially had not made any progress that week. And a coach is there to create progress.

I had to look at her decision making process.

On another call she had been too busy doing something else to address her homework. Again very little progress was made.

I needed to help her address her unwillingness to take the necessary action before we could move forward.

She kept saying, “I don’t understand.” But what she was really saying was “I want you to do it for me.” And that’s not empowering. I am a teaching coach. I help people understand why they are doing what they are doing.

So I had more to address than mere action steps. I had bad habits and emotional blocks to release too.

Look beyond the obvious action steps when you start to work with someone. Examine their work habits and follow through and resistance.

Why me, why now?

You can imagine that as this coaching relationship progressed I had to think “”why me, why now?” But there is a good lesson in everything even if you have to look for it. I had helped this person in the past but it had been several years. I knew how she works; I know the distractions in her life. And I said “yes” anyway.

In case we all forget, it’s OK to say “no” to a potential client. We do have the right to refuse to work with people; we do get to select our perfect client.

But a lot of good came out of this circumstance. What I didn’t have set up in my business at the time was a good way to do the technical set up around creating a WordPress blog that some clients cannot do. What I wanted to do was help people get their blog set up but I was thinking my part was more along the lines of the writing strategy, creating cornerstone content and the optimizing that goes with writing blog posts. But the technical part is not my forte. This client gave me a gift – she had a need I could not fill and I went out and filled it. I formulated a new business partnership with a woman who does know the technical aspects of Word Press. We are the Magnetic Blog Builders www.magneticblogbuilders.com and we came into being because of this client.

There is a reason for the choices we make and the opportunities that are presented to us.

How emotion clouds the mind

I have a relative who is going through a divorce. I am her sounding board and sometimes a guide. It is an emotional time for her and I see her going in circles, not able to absorb some of the crucial decision-making factors, not able to consider the reality of down-sized living and still hanging on to past dreams that will no longer come true. She can’t hear the advice she is getting. She jumps from one idea to another, never following through on any of it. And she is operating from only her own narrow frame of reference so she’s going down paths that do not lead where she needs to go next. Emotion clouds the mind. Anxiety gets you nowhere.

Sometimes you have to help the client separate the emotion from the need.
Look for new ways to disseminate information

OK, I have a person to help that is emotionally charged, not educated in the next necessary steps, and it’s my job to help her get the best results. What do I do?

What handouts can I make to explain her next steps? Every time I coach a person through a process or answer a question they pose, I write it as an article and put it in my coaching library. My coaching library is well stocked. Maybe I have something to address her need and maybe I have to write something new.

How should I outline the coaching sessions to be certain one step is completed before moving on? Create a Project Management form. Send the next steps to them in the Coaching Prep Form. Even your intake form could give you a clue as to how well they follow through. Get clear how your client processes their work as early as you can.

How can I reassure them we will ultimately address every piece but not all at once? I do that by periodically reiterating their vision. I assure them this is another step toward their goals and acknowledge them for their success. Have them acknowledge their own progress on a regular basis. I use my Momentum Builders 5:15 form.

How do I keep their frenetic energy from putting me off stride? That’s a hard one. Breathe. Keep very calm when you are talking to them. Drop your own personal agenda and tune in to what they need next and try to deliver it. It may be reassurance, a boost in confidence or an actually detailed explanation of their next step. What do they need – answer their need not yours.

Stay in your role as coach

There is a difficulty that arises if you get too involved in your client’s story and circumstance. Picture a high wall with you on top of it and your scattered client at the bottom. From where you are you can see the whole view, you can see the possibilities; you can even see the path that is open once they get over the wall. You have to stay high on that wall with your higher vision. If you drop down to be with the person who is scattered or confused and buy into their energy, there you will both be, looking at the bottom of the wall and seeing nothing but the barriers. Do not get emotionally involved with your scattered clients – it serves no one. Be patient, creative and persevere. And stay in your role as coach.

Patience and Perseverance

If you have people like these in your life or business you have a choice. You let them go (easy enough with a client, not easy with a family member) or you set your boundaries, define your limits, put on your most patient hat and stay with them and their process. You offer only small steps, constant clarity of information in small sequences so simplistically drawn that they get it. You need to drop your own agenda and expectations and set new ones that are based on the reality you see before you.

What tactics do you use when faced with a scattered client, customer or friend? I’d love to know.

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Purposeful Acts of Kindness

December 10, 2009 By Cara Lumen

by Cara Lumen

Her co-worker had just separated from his wife. She went with him to the doctor and then offered her home for his recuperation because he had no place else to go. Her husband went with that co-worker when he had his surgery and spent the night at the hospital with him so he would have an advocate there. Those are not random acts of kindness that’s purposeful kindness, the kindness I find myself surrounded with here in the mid-west.

At the store I was looking at a 40 pound box of cat litter wondering how to get it in my cart when a young woman stopped to help me. I hadn’t asked. She just saw my need and addressed it. At the grocery store I asked the Sara Lee delivery man for a product that turned out his company didn’t make. He even went over to the racks to help me look. It wasn’t there. So I just continued down the next aisle. A few minutes later there he was with two varieties of the product in his hand. I was totally touched by his kindness and we semi-hugged. I think he was touched by my being touched. A young man in my building helped me get my laundry up the stairs. And my niece who unexpectedly helped me find a government building I was having a hard time locating and it took a lot of pressure off of me. I have never before been so surrounded with purposeful acts of kindness – organic acts of kindness.

It has made me stop to see how I measure up in thoughtfulness. I may no longer be able to step in and lift something, or tall enough to reach a high shelf for someone, but there are other things. I can write these posts and hope they inspire someosne. I can write thoughtful comments and acknowledgements to people I interact with. I did recently rescue a mother cat and four black kittens that someone left in a box on the second floor landing outside of my apartment. I was new in town and had to go find the humane society to help them be safe. Sometimes it may be as small a kindness as a cheery word on a gloomy day, or a sincere thank you to the checkout clerk.

I have added something new to my coaching sessions. I have always asked, at the end of my classes and my coaching sessions, what the participants are taking away with them. It’s a good way to help them realize what they have gained and for me to see what was meaningful for them. But recently, I’ve been telling both the participants in my courses and my coaching clients what I’m taking away from our time together and it often ends up with an acknowledgement of the progress the client made, or the collaboration the class shared, or how they have touched my heart. It feels good for both the receiver and especially for me, the giver.

How can you increase your purposeful acts of kindness? One thoughtful act a day. Or two? Kindness is definitely contagious.

I’ve caught the kindness feeling. I’m more aware of what I can do for others. It’s my turn to see how thoughtful I can be. They say you are like who you hang out with and I’m hanging out with some really great people. Purposeful act of kindness, here I come!