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How Your Choices Affect Others

June 22, 2010 By Cara Lumen

It was graduation and he had won a special award and was to give a speech as a representative for his department. His parents drove for an hour to pick him up and he kept them waiting a long time because he wasn’t ready. Consequently they were late to the ceremony and the worried organizers had been frantically trying to figure out who they might get to give the talk since he hadn’t showed up..

Does this person know that he is showing great disregard for other people by not keeping his word?

Does this person know that he will soon not be trusted to do what he says he will do?

Does this person know how adversely his actions affected many others?

Is it a conscious or unconscious choice?

Does he care?

Or does he simply not get it?

What do you do, unconsciously, that affects others

It’s hard to know how you affect others because you are in your head not theirs, but if you start observing the reactions around you, you will come to understand your effectiveness or ineffectiveness.

One of the things that happens to me when I get excited is that I talk fast and have no thoughts of the people I’m sharing with – I’m wrapped up in my own enthusiasm and pay no attention to how they are receiving it. I finally understood this when I found myself on the receiving end of that behavior. At a board meeting a person came in sharing her big idea in a stream of excited talk and when I asked a question about how that might affect my responsibilities she said, “Oh that’s not important.” That didn’t feel good for me but it was a great gift for her to give me – a reflection and new awareness of my own behavior. It gave me a choice to change.

Have you had a gift like that lately?

I offer advice way more than I should – it has to do with all the ideas I have. I have a friend who patiently continues to tell me that she hasn’t asked for my advice and I’m gradually being able to stop giving so much advice to others unless I am specifically asked for it.

What are you doing unconsciously that is adversely affecting others?

You may need to ask those around you. Start with your family. Perhaps it’s a family round table where you talk about the personal boundaries each of you choose to set, or how each of you would like to be treated by others. Perhaps the need for you to change your behavior is being pointed out by a good friend who is actually suggesting how you might change your behavior but you aren’t listening yet.

A friend recently shared with me that she was very critical of her daughter but not of her son and felt she was driving her daughter away. She didn’t like that she did it but she didn’t know how to change her behavior. We talked about how she could change her vocabulary when she spoke to her daughter and how she could consciously censor her critical thoughts before she spoke them and then choose not to say them. She tried it the next night and the daughter, who normally shared her excitement with her non-critical dad, actually addressed some of her comments to her newly-non-critical mom. It only took a new awareness on my friends part and a desire to change to make a difference in her family dynamic.

All the change has to come from you

If something is not working, you are the only one that has to change. You have to change your thinking, or your attitude or your comments or your viewpoint. Sometimes looking at the situation from the other person’s point of view can be very illuminating. Step into their shoes for a moment and see it as they do. Whatever the situation – whether something is working or not working – it is all because of you and how you perceive it and how you approach it. It’s within your power to change it – for better or for worse. Change your thinking, change your life.

Be aware of how you affect others

Start looking at the expressions on the faces around you. Become aware of how people respond to you. What do they ask of you? How do they include you? Do they exclude you? Ask a good friend to point out some things that are not working in your relationships. Then listen and see what you are willing to change.

When you change, your life will change.

Lighten Up So You Can Move On

June 18, 2010 By Cara Lumen

by Cara Lumen

There is nothing like moving to make you rethink your priorities. You get to go through everything you own and decide if it will fit where you are going. Do you still want it? Do you actually need it? It’s a challenge and it is very freeing. But you don’t have to move to lighten up

Where are you heading?

I’m in a serious repositioning stage I’m ending my business as it used to be, and moving into a period in which I am going to do exactly what I want to do. It’s going to be about creativity, exploring new ideas, and finding a unique way to be in service. And I don’t know what it looks like yet. I have glimmers, but I’m still on my inward journey to listen to my guidance and let the matter unfold Physically, I’m headed to a more compact space where my office will take up one corner of my living room rather than the whole room it has enjoyed. So I really, really get to look at what I need and want.

Do you actually need it?

When I moved last year I threw away things that might turn into an art project some day. You know this one, I could make this from that so I’ll keep it. I threw away things that would not fit in my new environment (I didn’t need gardening equipment, for instance) But I was paying by the pound so I got very real about what I thought I would do.

You know the idea of giving away clothes you haven’t used in a year? Try that with the ideas and this-could-be-something reference material you have around. Chances are the idea needs updating if you do work them and you’ll find tons of resources on the internet.

I keep things in binders and I got rid of a lot of binders – classes I took that I do not need the material from any more. I put some of my writing in boxes to be stored – they didn’t need to be right here in my office. I cleaned out file cabinets. I had enough hanging folders to stock a school. I gave them to Good Will. I even went through the drawers that hold pens and paperclips and threw stuff out. Get real about what you really need. Toss the rest.

Do you still want it?

Now wanting something is another thing. My family took a few things but I still had a lot of put-abouts that I would no longer have room for. So what matters to me right now? What do I want around me in my new environment? I made my choices and gave more stuff to Good Will. And once I move I will get real about what else has to be released.

Release it to a new life

If you look at something you don’t use any longer and think about putting it back into service, it’s a good feeling. Who might like that mirror you have no place for? What put-about would someone else enjoy? Objects are meant to be in service and they’re not in service sitting in a box in the floor of a closet. Let them go. Release them to a new life.

Now how do you feel?

You will feel lighter, freer, more resilient and flexible when you let stuff leave your environment. You can move quickly, change directions rapidly, and make decisions easily, all because you got rid of the clutter, the stuff you don’t need where you are going next.

You don’t have to move to lighten up. Start with your office. Turn up some great music, get out some trash bags and start rethinking your “next.” Lighten up so you can move on.

Let the Matter Unfold in Its Own Time

June 12, 2010 By Cara Lumen

by Cara Lumen

There is a phrase I have written down at the top of my journal where I write to sort myself out – “Let the matter unfold in its own time.” How does that feel to you when you read that? “Let the matter unfold in its own time.” Did you take a deep breath? Did your shoulders relax?

I have a huge desire to control, to know what is coming and to make a good decision based on my thought process and my exploration of my feelings about the matter. It’s good to sort yourself out. See what you are feeling. See what your intuition says. But it’s also good to let go and allow it to imply unfold. And it certainly is less stressful.

The signs are always there

When we open our eyes and ears we will always find the signs of the universe pointing us in the right direction. Sometimes the timing is odd – as in not our version of how it should be – but inevitably the right solution is reached. I am facing a major rethinking of what my life means and how I want it to look next based on some realistic appraisals of what I have created to date. I have been fighting the inevitable necessary change; I keep trying to go back to the scenario that was comfortable but wasn’t even working, And that’s not going to be what I get to do.

The Universe is always speaking to you, guiding you and guarding you. You just have to listen and trust. Even the barriers are signs – you are going too fast, or you shouldn’t go that direction at all. Or the opportunity that shows up when you weren’t expecting it means it’s time to take action. Those are all signs and guidance from the Universe.

The outcome is up to you

My challenge involves moving to a new place –and I’ve been fighting it all the way. It is a retirement community and I don’t feel old and I don’t want to be categorized in the stereotype of being old. I have seen people in wheelchairs and I have seen an attractive woman going out to check her tomato plants. But I am 77 and that’s getting up there. And economically the move will make me not have to work so hard. I can go exploring in new directions if I like. But I’m having a hard time with wondering what atmosphere I will find in my new place.

But it’s all going to be up to me. How I change my attitude, how I approach the people I meet, how willingly and graciously I accept my smaller accommodations. Where I live is not my source, the Universe is. My family is not my source. My money is not my source. The Universe is my source and I hold the universe within me, just as you do.

Let the Universe pick things out for you

When we get very, very specific about how we want things to turn out we do ourselves a great disservice. We take away the Universe’s ability to think bigger than we can, to know our overall path, and to provide for us things we never even dreamed would happen. Visualize and set intentions for the general tone and the qualities of where you want to be, but leave the details up to the Universe. It’s enormously fun and surprising that way.

Trust that you are being cared for by Spirit. Trust that you will be guided to the perfect place whether you see it as such or not. All we can do is be in the moment of every day and make it the best moment we can. We cannot control the future we just need to “let the matter unfold in its own time.”

What Are You Doing Today To Make Tomorrow Different?

May 17, 2010 By Cara Lumen

If you keep on doing what you’ve been doing you’ll keep on getting what you’ve been getting. Let’s talk about what you can do this very day to bring about a different result tomorrow

Passionately On Purpose Radio with Cara Lumen, Your Idea Optimizer, who keeps you passionately on purpose while you make a difference in your world. During these shows we’ll talk about how to uncover your passion, define your purpose, identify your path, make money from what you already know and attract the people you are meant to serve. But most of all, we’ll help you believe you can!!!

As a Business Coach, Content Developer and Educator she talks about how to uncover your passion, define your purpose, identify your path, make money from what you already know and attract the people you are meant to serve. But most of all, she’ll help you believe you can!!! Join her Mondays on www.blogtalkradio.com/passionatelyonpurpose

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How to Know When It’s Time To Change Direction

May 14, 2010 By Cara Lumen

What kind of cosmic two-by-four needs to hit you in the head before you know it is time to change directions?

Passionately On Purpose Radio with Cara Lumen, Your Idea Optimizer, who keeps you passionately on purpose while you make a difference in your world. During these shows we’ll talk about how to uncover your passion, define your purpose, identify your path, make money from what you already know and attract the people you are meant to serve. But most of all, we’ll help you believe you can!!!