Cara Lumen | Sing a Deeper Song

Sing a Deeper Song

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Do You Engage in Destructive Gossip?

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Why do we gossip? Why do we pass along detrimental knowledge about someone? What makes us feel the need to tell others about someone’s failure? In my senior community, I watch destructive gossip swirl around me and find myself tempted to contribute. Why do we pass along the observations and criticism that we do?

Unfortunately I have to use an example of a person and circumstance that made me super upset and my continued negative response to that person forced me to look and see why I was mad and what I was doing with my anger. I didn’t like being negative. I didn’t like feeling critical. Why was I doing that and how could I change it?

It’s all a reflection of you

If someone makes you mad, it is because it is a reflection of something you don’t like about yourself.

No one likes to hear that, but it is true.  There was much about this woman that was like me. She was acting in a manner that I had in the past. I could see what her mistake was, but she wasn’t interested in what I had learned. She had a burning need to do it her way.  There were core things we disagreed on but the bottom line was that she prevented me from doing what I needed to do to fulfill a responsibility I had accepted. There was no compromise from her, only what seemed to me as a very strong need to control.

My response was colored by my beliefs, my needs, and my interpretation

Her position prevented me from doing the job I needed to do in an effective manner. I also thought she was doing her job without meeting the needs of the people she was to serve. My needs were thwarted, my judgmental interpretation was filled with frustration, and what I saw was that she needed to be in control and she was serving as a giant barrier in my path.. She, on the other hand, had simply done the job in a manner that she thought was good and right and helpful. Bummer. I got upset all by myself.

Did I contribute to gossip?

Yes.  I shared my frustration and judgmentalness with my friends. Other people were having a difficult time with her actions and responses so we shared our experiences. Why? Did it make us feel righteous, wronged, or justified?  Did we need to be heard?  Did we feel our ideas didn’t count?  Did we need it to be our way? Did we take her actions too personally? Yes, on all counts. That made our gossip destructive whether we meant for it to be or not.

Did I try to resolve it?

I did try to resolve our differences by going directly to her. When that didn’t bring a compromise I went around her to find another way to do my job. My irritation grew along with my judgementalness and my need to pass along my frustration to others. I knew I had to take steps to stop the anger and frustration within myself.

I let go

Letting go works magic. Whatever emotion is coming up, when you feel angry or judgmental, or hurt, let it go. Watch how rapidly all the emotion immediately dissolves. The relief is immediately gratifying. I let go of my need to have her work done a certain way in order to accommodate my job.. I let go of the frustration I had gone through while looking for a way around her so I could do what I was charged with doing. And I stopped participating in negative conversations about her. I couldn’t speak to her. I couldn’t interact with her while I was working to heal myself from within. But I did let go of my anger. I was frustrated. I was judgmental. I wanted to feel that my way was a better way. I began to let that go of all those emotions.

Be aware of the reasons you want to gossip

We gossip for many reasons: to raise our own self-esteem, to feel part of an in-group, maybe even to get back at someone, but gossip is destructive, not to the person you aim it at. Gossip is destructive to you.

Learn to listen

One of her neighbors encouraged her to listen to the criticism that was being voiced about her work. She ultimately asked to meet with some of us who were positions of leadership in order to heal the dissatisfaction and frustration. I don’t know how much she heard of what was said. I don’t know if she understood the needs that needed to be met because she is still wrapped up in her own needs and version of how things should be. We’ll have to see. For my part, I have found my way around her and it will all unfold they way it should.

What you look for you find

If you focus on finding the negative, you’ll find only negative things. You will draw more negativityto your life. You will draw to you people who thrive on negative gossip. Is that what you want in your life? Become conscious of what you say about others and even more importantly, why you say things about others. We all have some major soul-searching to do before we open our mouths to gossip.

Nothing Is Required But the Next Step

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In my spiritual reading today, I read “nothing is required but the next step” and it brought my world up close around me. It means I don’t have to worry about the future, make long-range plans, or even stay frozen in inactivity. I just need to take one step. One baby step. One giant step. One sideways step. Even one backward step. Just so I move. If nothing is required but the next step, my “now” holds infinite and exciting possibilities.

Take one step of exploration

When we are at a crossroads or even a place of indecision in our life, we need to go exploring. We need to take a few steps deeper into the path that interests us to see if that is the direction we would like to take. If I want to change career paths, I need to explore the other options that interest me. If I want to change my relationship, I can explore what I might change within me that would enhance and alter my current relationships and even draw to me those who are more aligned with my own vibration. If I want to change my health, I need to explore the paths that interest me.      Don’t worry over options you have not been given. That path is no longer open. Focus on what is available to you. Go exploring. Immerse yourself in the feeling you find and let them guide you.

Take one step and see what happens

Try a day when you only say positive things and see what happens. Try a day when you do only what your own heart asks of you. Try a moment of silence before you speak. Make a list of possibilities and circle the ones that inspire the most emotion in you, the most passion in you. Examine yourself for fears that are holding you back. Take a step and see what changes. Whenever you act, something happens. Moreover, whatever that something is, it holds new possibilities, new inspiration, and new choices.

Step outside your comfort zone

“Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail,” advises Emerson. Where can you go that is your unique direction? How can you express yourself in ways that nurture you, motivate you and inspire you to action? It’s not going to be a path someone has already taken because you are unique, you are different, you are the only “you” there is. You must find your own path – one step at a time.

Leave your old path behind

Leave your past behind. Leave your old self behind. Create a new version of yourself based on how you feel right now, what you need right now, what you believe right now, what you are willing to do right now. This moment begins a new journey. Begin by taking one step at a time.

How to Be More Pro-Active With Your Health

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My doctor sent the results of my blood work back with the word “Impressive” written across the top. So, at 81, I figure I must be doing something right He also put in his medical records that I was being very “pro-active” about my health. I like the idea of taking charge and working to create the healthiest body I can at my age. People who are pro-active want to make certain things happen. They have an objective and they do whatever it takes to be ready to meet that objective. They are hands on, positive, upbeat people that you love to be around.

Be pro-active about your over-all well-being

As we grow older, the state of our health is a primary concern. We want a good quality of life. Here’s the trick, rather than wait for a doctor to prescribe some pills or send you to rehab, you get busy doing what you need to do all by yourself. That’s being pro-active. You cut out sugar and eat more vegetables and fruits. You find ways to walk more. You add regular stretching and exercise to your day.You lovingly cook for yourself. I organically lost eight pounds last year and I continue to lose weight gradually.I’m at the lowest weight I’ve been in 30 years! No, I don’t look slender, but I am in the process of rebalancing my body. To my daily Qi Gong practice I added this great Couch Potato Workout from Dr. Oz’s personal trainer  What are you willing to do to be pro-active about your health?

Be pro-active about changing your eating habits

I gave up dairy because I had unexplained and unexpected allergies a year ago and dairy and wheat are the most likely culprits. That had me scrambling to find substitutes for yoghurt and cheese (nutritional yeast has a cheesy flavor) and adjusting recipes like crazy. The most effective dietary step I took was to give up sugar. Sugar is addictive and there was no way I was going to put a cup of sugar in something I baked and then eat it in three days. Within days of stopping sugar, my taste buds changed, my cravings ceased and steady weight loss began.   I use maple syrup and honey for sweetener. I make my own granola so I can control the ingredients and add great things like sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, hemp, flax seeds and almonds while I control the type and amount of sweetener.   How can you be more pro-active about your food choices?

Be pro-active about enhancing your social life

We are personally responsible for our own mental and emotional health. If we are lonely, we need to go make some friends. If we are bored, we need to seek mental stimulation. Everyone needs some form of social interaction. Call someone to talk, go out for lunch, have them over for game night, go to meetings where like-minded people are gathered. We need people in our lives. We need hugs and compliments and laughter. How are you being pro-active about your social life?

Be pro-active about deepening your spiritual life

A strong spiritual life can be achieved anytime and anyplace. If you no longer go to church, make up your own “service.” Read words that motivate and inspire you. Start a Gratitude Journal to help you become more aware of the bounty that surrounds you.  I’m immersing myself in Taoism. I have no teacher, only translations of the ancient texts to study. I work to embrace principles that enhance my daily life. What kind of daily spiritual practice will you initiate?

Make one fundamental change at a time

The plant-based nutritionists I follow say to eat two pounds of vegetables vegetable every day, one raw and one cooked. If I add the suggested four pieces of fruit each day, 1 cup of beans and 1 ounce of nuts and seeds, that’s a lot of eating! A major suggestion is to make a salad the main dish in every meal. I already make great soups like cauliflower, carrot, and butternut squash. I continue to include grains like quince and couscous and brown rice. The idea of creating interesting sauces to go on vegetables interests me – peanut sauce, marinara sauce. The core to my next change is eating more raw foods. I have a sprouting kit to sprout seeds of alfalfa, french lentil, mung, daikon radish, clover, green pea, garbanzo, adzuki, broccoli, green lentil, hard wheat, and black sunflower . I purchased a spiralizer, which allows me to make thin ribbons of zucchini (to replace pasta), strings of carrots, radish and potato strings for salad, and strings of green pepper or beets and curly strands of cucumbers. Then I will make healthy homemade “dressings” to top them off so I have complete control over what I eat. Even now, w hen I eat a veggie burger (no bread), I put raw mushrooms, red pepper, green onions and avocado on my plate to complete my meal.

Observe the changes

I have more energy when I eat greens. I use hemp seeds, flax seeds and chia seeds in my salads and smoothies to add protein and to keep my intestinal tract balanced. I satisfy my occasional urge for chocolate with pure cacoa powder in water sweetened with almond milk and maple syrup. The more vegetables I eat, the greater the weight loss I experience. Observe how your body responds to your loving care. How do you sleep? How do your joints feel? Has your energy increased? What is your emotional status?  Let your body guide you in your, pro-active self-care choices. Keep experimenting until you find the right balance for you.

Let the new gradually replace the old

You don’t have to give up anything. You just have to start adding things you love and let them gradually replace the foods you’re ready to give up and the habits you want to establish. I became a vegetarian by eating more vegetables. I became a vegan by finding tasty substitutes to dairy and eggs. I’m steadily improving my overall healthy with the choices I make and the actions I take. It’s all about exploring and experimenting. How pro-active are you willing to be about your health?

When You Miss The Mark, Seek The Reason For Your Failure In Yourself

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If my body is not as slender as I would like it, it’s up to me to make changes to make it happen.

If my body is not as flexible and sturdy as I need it to be, it is up to me to make changes to strengthen it.

If I am lonely, it’s up to me to find new friends.

If I am bored, it’s up to me to find new forms of entertainment

If I don’t know what I want, it’s up to me to figure it out.

If I lack spiritual awareness, it is up to me to seek out insights that resonate to me.

If I cook a meal that doesn’t’ taste very good, I have to look at myself as the source of the correction.

If I feel left out, it is up to me to change my actions so I am included.

If I think someone is mad at me, it is up to me to heal the rift.

If I don’t understand something, I need to ask questions until I do.

If I act without thinking, it is up to me to become more mindful.

If I find kind things to do for others, I get to look within myself for even more ways to reach out.

If I make people laugh, I get to acknowledge myself for my contribution.

If I use my skill to advance a project, I get look for other ways I can contribute.

If I’m on target, I must seek the reason for success within myself.

If I miss the mark, I must seek the reason for failure in myself.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

–       – Rumi, The Essential Rumi, tr. Coleman Barks

100 years from now what will it matter?

Maybe something you said or did changed someone in a way you’ll never know.

That in turn influenced the affect they had on others.

You may not be praised for what you did, but you do always makes a difference.

View Decisions as Experiments Not Final Choices

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Life is full of decisions. What to wear, what to eat, where to go, who to hang out with, what direction to take your business. We make a choice, try it out and if it feels good and gets the results we want, we continue in that direction.

A choice is not an ironclad decision

When I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do in my semi-retirement, I had several “false-starts.” I first thought I would help people moving into retirement to repurpose their passion into a lighter version of what they had been doing. As I began to figure out what process I would take them through, I realized that I’d much rather write than coach. I let go of that original decision and explored the new possibility.

I got interested in the process of change because I was rather clumsily feeling my own way through major change. I began to document the steps and processes I created to help myself. I began to figure out what I would teach to make certain that those who used my method would experience the results I promised. The idea of developing a repeatable method for creating positive change felt both exciting and rewarding.

Let it unfold

You can’t force change. I was down on myself for what looked like my inactivity. I could not start writing a new book. I seemed content with occasional articles. When the concept of writing about positive change began to gel, I suddenly found myself with four books going at once! Once I had found the direction I wanted to take, I was suddenly motivated to declare my new direction by changing my bios on my social media accounts and restructuring my About Me page. Landing pages for each book were effortlessly written, the books themselves grew at a rapid pace. When it’s time, you will be like the cork from a champagne bottle. You will explore into action.

Use your emotions as a guide

If it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it. “Emotions are just a sign that you have left the center,” says Stephen Mitchell in The Second Book of Tao. Sometimes all it takes is a small course correction. When I switched from the goal of helping seniors repurpose their passion to the broader objective of creating a method for positive change, it expanded the type of people I could reach. I had repurposed my own passion for exploration and change. One of the phrases I use often in the Introspective Processes of the Magnetic Method for Positive Change is “How do you feel about that?” Are you willing, are you afraid, does it excite you?   Your feelings are powerful guides as you make your life choices.

Build on the choices you rejected

When you explore a choice and decide not to pursue it, you have learned a lot. You know what you don’t want to do. I no longer want to help people build a business. I’m not even very interested in coaching people in developing content. However, huge portions of what I learned while doing both of those things are in play in my new direction. I know how to organize my ideas, I know how to write a powerful landing page, I know how to format an ebook, and I know how to set up my shopping cart to deliver the products I create. Although I am no longer teaching those things to others, I am using them in my own adventure.

Make a course correction

Sometimes a slight shift of your sails will steer you in the right direction. I embarked on my current path by writing a book on How to Help an Older Person Make a Major Change. It came from my personal experience of being unprepared for some major changes in my life. As I wrote that book, I began to see important steps that could/should be taken in order to consistently make a thoughtful, conscious decision. I began my Magnetic Method for Positive Change book. Then I realized that I didn’t have much of a support system for the direction I wanted to go so I went exploring and began to write How to Create a Positive Support System from Your Inside Out. Each of those books was another sail added to my ship to help me move faster across the sea of change. Add, subtract and modify steps in your process. Take a slightly new direction. Keep testing the winds and follow what feels right.

Take small steps

Past experience taught me to take small steps. Rather than put all these ideas into one big book, I’m creating a series of smaller books that can easily be completed and published to give me a sense of movement and accomplishment. Perhaps when I’ve finished I will put everything into one book, but for now, small completed steps work best for me. How can you break your choices down into smaller steps?

Create and adjust

Make a choice, try it out, adjust it, then either keep it and expand on it or toss it out. Look at life as a buffet. You can try a bite of something and have more if you like it and move on to something else if you don’t.