Cara Lumen | Sing a Deeper Song

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What To Do When Need Overcomes Reason

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by Cara Lumen

fix-itHave you ever reached a point where your emotional needs are so great that practical, logical reasoning was impossible?

My friend was very, very lonely. Her marriage was failing, she didn’t feel very confident in herself and she was desperate to be with people who could affirm her ok-ness. When the doctor told her she should have back surgery right away she was so lonely that she chose to wait three months so she could go to her vacation home and play golf with the people she craved. And the doctor said, “If you feel any numbness come back right away.” She pushed her luck. Her emotional need overcame her logic.

She is still lonely, and is getting a divorce, and because of this huge need to be with people she is emotionally set on buying a house in a retirement community that may be too big an investment for her. But she perceives this environment as having lots of adult activities and thus a way to fill her loneliness so she didn’t even consider other options that might have been wiser for her future.

An unmet emotional need can overcome reason.

What needs are making choices for you?

There are physical needs, of course, that do need to be met – food, shelter, care of your health – but it’s the emotional needs that can push us into unreasonable choices.

Detaching the emotional need from the physical need may take a bit of doing.

For instance, the economy has changed and the business culture has changed. Whether it’s a job or an entrepreneurial venture, the choices we make now have to be different because the world is different. And to make good choices we need to understand our emotional needs and how they influence our choices.

Why are you in the job you are in? Why are you an entrepreneur? What emotional need is being fulfilled by your work, your relationships, your choices?

It is said we have four major needs: we want safety as in food and shelter, companionship and love, a sense of being worthy and a spiritual connection. You may choose to work in a company because you need companionship rather than work at home alone. You may be an entrepreneur because you can create results that make you feel worthy faster by yourself. You may be in service because you feel the spiritual value of actively helping others.

But what if the job goes away? What if the business stops? Will you feel fear, panic, lack of self-confidence? Will you want to give up? Or do you see unexpected change as an opportunity to reevaluate, reframe, explore your inner wisdom and look for the messages that are there to guide you to your next step?

What choices will your emotional needs suggest you make? And are they right ones for you?

Look for your core needs

Safety

If feeling safe by having food and shelter is your core need, then your current choice is to make the adjustments you need to live on what you have. Sell the house, get rid of the stuff, stop buying clothes, and start being thankful for what you DO have. Enjoy learning to cook economically, have a great time at the stay-at-home family nights. Count your blessings. Scaling back on what we have can actually enrich our appreciation of the most basic of possessions.

Love

If you need companionship seek those who truly nourish you. Give and give and give to others. Go volunteer. Look for small acts of kindness you can offer others wherever you are. Sometimes a need for feeling loved leads us to select the wrong person. When we give ourselves the self-love we deserve we are not dependent on others to fill that need.

Go more deeply in service. See where you are needed and step in. Offer a small kindness. Offer a big kindness. Give, give, give. That’s how you experience the give and take of love.

Self-worth

When we learn to acknowledge ourselves for the job well done, we won’t need to look for the approval of others to make us feel valuable. We are in charge of our own life. We are in charge of how we see ourselves. We are in charge of how much we love ourselves.

Write your own acknowledgement list. Write down the positive things others say about you. Stop comparing yourself and know that you are unique in what you have to offer and go offer it.

Spiritual connection

When we move into a place of constant gratitude, we will begin to see the abundant blessings that flow our way and understand how we are guarded and guided along our path.

Take time to smell the flowers – literally. Watch a bud develop over time. Look at the intricacies of a blossom; understand that the same Universal Mind that created nature in all its intricacies created you. Feel that connection and make it real for you.

Fill your own needs

Once you identify the emotional needs that need filling, set about filling them. Focus on changing your own beliefs and your own attitudes

Learn to love yourself: When we learn to love and appreciate ourselves we will gain in self-confidence. Know and understand yourself and start giving yourself what you need. Set boundaries. Create a vision. Expect the best. Do not settle for second best.

Learn to relate to others: When we realize that everyone has a unique contribution to make, we no longer have a need or desire to control others or give them unsolicited advice. We will cease to be judgmental of the individual uniqueness in others. Become a gentle listener, a patient companion, a generous and kind friend.

Learn gratitude: When we learn to appreciate everything we have and give gratitude for it, we will not have the need to get more stuff just because someone else has it. Express your gratitude of others to them. Express your gratitude of yourself to you. Be aware of the goodness that surrounds you.

What emotional need is influencing your decisions, your actions, your choices? Do you need approval, feelings of self-worth, friendship, a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging? It may not be obvious at first but take some time to identify your needs. Then look to see how your need is influencing your choices – for better or worse.

© 2010 Cara Lumen

How I Cured Myself of Giving Unsolicited Advice

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by Cara Lumen

padlockI get in so much trouble because I have a tendency to get excited with ideas and offer them to people unsolicited and it feels to them like I’m giving advice which I may very well be and it doesn’t go over well. Have you had that experience? It’s getting in my way and I sought some help to stop the habit. Even though I know I do it, it is so engrained as to be unconscious. I recently was given the words I needed to hear to make the shift in consciousness that has been such a long time coming. It has changed the way I now approach others and has softened my interaction with them.

Reframe what you are doing

Although I’ve known I gave advice too often I seemed unable to stop it until I heard some words that helped me reframe my advice-giving in a different light and I was able to make a change. My son said “You have positioned yourself as a trusted advisor.” That’s all I heard although there was more to the sentence because a major shift happened, I reframed how I saw myself. My son may have meant that I offer too much advice, but the phrase changed how I see my role. To me a trusted advisor listens and absorbs and listens some more. I liked being a trusted advisor. Suddenly I had given myself permission to simply be with people and not let my mind go off in all sorts of ideas that they could do if it interested them. It brings me great peace to just listen.

The second thing that happened was a I read a post by Tama Kieves www.AwakeningArtistry.com called “My Number One Career and Soul Coaching Tip: Listening with Love” in which she talked about sacred neutrality, how her role is to look for the truth, to observe and listen, to be curious, not conclusive and be a sacred witness for their consciousness. That made a huge shift for me, particularly when it allowed me to be curious but not conclusive. Listen and observe but not offer advice – unless asked for.

Listening creates more positive results than offering advice

I bet you money that very seldom someone comes up to you and says “I want your advice.” They want you to listen while they sort themselves out. And they do sort themselves out without our help. If you take the role of “curious” you might pose a question or two but you will not reach a conclusion like the advice-giving “you could do this or that.” And I really like the idea of being a sacred witness for their consciousness. The only answers come from within and sometimes we listen to the inner voice in silence and sometimes in the company of others. But the answer is ours to receive and ours to act upon. No one outside of ourselves can help us with that process.

So the third realization was that an outside listener does not hold the answers for another person. Wow, that’s big – I don’t have their answers so why am I running around trying to give advice? I must hold a sacred neutrality. I can be a sounding board so they can hear their own answers. That means that listening creates more positive results than any amount of advice giving I might ever do.

A new habit to create

This is a new awareness for me and I haven’t had a chance to put it into practice yet but I’m going to make signs for my desk that say:
• “Sacred Neutrality”
• “Sacred Witness for their consciousness”
• “Observe and Listen”
• “Curious not Conclusive”

And I’ll practice those qualities on my phone conversations so that when I get with people in person I will know how to simply be with them. Simple be. No advice, no ideas, just my presence, my supportive, listening, loving presence.

I can do that.

© 2010 Cara Lumen

How to Stay Positive during Rocky Times

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by Cara Lumen

upward-arrowIt’s been awhile, hasn’t it – this unusual period in our history when money is funny, jobs go away and the future looks uncertain? Are you getting discouraged? Do you have a hard time staying positive and hopeful? What can you do to see a bright side – the light at the end of the tunnel?

Look for the good in everything

Let’s see, maybe these past two years have seen you learn a new skill in order to get a different job. And although that was scary and you went through a lot of stress over choosing what skill to learn and what job to seek, you’ve done it and you are in a job that is better suited for you and more rewarding than if you hadn’t gone through the challenge of being laid off or needing to move on.

During the course of these odd economical times you have reassessed what is important to you. You are no longer buying all the stuff you used to. You have cut back. You have lightened up which feels marvelous. You are learning to cook again, to make economical dishes from scratch, and you are teaching your children these new thrifty skills. That feels like a positive result.

You stay home more so you have had to make your own fun. That means you have had friends over, or made a game night with your children, or watched a DVD together. It means you have gone on picnics and walks in the woods and camped overnight in your back yard. Those have been fun times haven’t they?

You had to move to a smaller home so you got to throw away a lot of things you really don’t need and the relief of being able to afford to pay your bills because of the move is tremendous.

Those choices are all positive. They are all about rethinking our values, ceasing to be consumer junkies, and finding friendship and nurturing with our friends and family. It’s about returning to a basic life style where human interaction is the cornerstone. That’s all good stuff.

What if there is a boulder in the way?

Sometimes we don’t get what we want because it would keep us from being available for the next big thing that is coming our way but hasn’t had time to arrive yet.

If there is a boulder in the way you find another path.

I’m moving and I started collecting things for Good Will in the middle of my breakfast room. And the pile sat there and sat there and I worried about how to get it down the steps into my car. At this point in time I can’t walk down steps without holding on and that makes carrying things tricky. But the day I finally moved the bags two things happened, when I lifted them one at a time they were not as heavy as I had decided they must be after putting it off all that time and I found another way to get them down the steps – I backed myself down and lifted the bags down one step at a time until I got them to my car. And did I ever feel smug!!!! I had done it, that huge perceived boulder had been chopped up into smaller pieces and I had moved it aside. And my lesson was that I can do that for everything!!! Take smaller steps and figure out new ways to get the job done!

Listen to your Inner Voice

There is one place from which to get guidance and comfort – that is within. In the moments you create of silence and contemplation, the universal wisdom you hold within you can be heard. You may need to journal, you may need to meditate, you may need to listen to the signs and signals that come up every day, but the guidance is there.

I’ve had about a year of listening. I listened to my inner voice when I decided in two hours that it was time to move from California to Kansas City. I keep listening to my inner voice as I’ve dealt with two knee surgeries which took my focus from my business and the business changed. I struggled with my inner wisdom when I resisted this next move and the reality that made it important that I do it. And I’m still listening because I’m being called to adjust what I offer others and that is not yet clearly defined.

The answers are there – within. They are in the idea that presents itself, the conversation you hear that suddenly gives you the answer you’ve been seeking, and in the opportunity that presents itself and the doors that close in your face. We each have a journey that only we are to take, a gift that only we are to give. Our job is to listen within for our guidance.

Change is good

This is a period of change and change is good. And change is stressful. And change is exciting. Be flexible. Be open. Be innovative. Question everything. Get really clear about your core values – what’s really important to you in your life – and make choices that honor those.

Look upon this as an adventure. Take it as an opportunity to help others through service. Look for new paths to take, new places to explore, now horizons to seek. Look for the good among the boulders – the plant growing in the cracks, the bird making its nest among the crags, the good life that is waiting for you regardless of how rocky it looks. When you look for the positive you will see the positive.

©2010 Cara Lumen

I Think I Can, I Know I Can

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by Cara Lumen

natural-entrepreneurWe sure can mess ourselves up with our own minds. We make things seem bigger and harder than they are. And we do it way too often. But all things are possible. We just have to take them one step at a time, one piece at a time and know we can do it.
The stack in the kitchen

I’m moving and I had gathered some things in the kitchen to give to Good Will. And then I looked at that pile and I thought about the 12 steps leading down from my apartment and I thought about how hot it was and I didn’t think I could do it. See how we mess ourselves up with our own minds. This went on for at least ten days with me eyeing that pile, thinking it would be very hard for me to get those bags down the steps and with each day the idea seemed harder and harder. Until today. A few moments ago.

It was relatively cool (80 degrees) and I decided this was the moment. So I picked up two bags and immediately realize they were not as heavy as I had decided they were with my ten days of worrying. I took them out to the top of the steps. Then I got two more bags. At this point in time I can’t walk down stairs without holding on so I had to find a different way. I decided to go down backward and lift the bags down one step at a time after me. So I did. One step at a time. Twelve steps and maybe three minutes later and I was down!!!! Getting them to the car was a snap. I felt so smug! I had done it by myself after all. An accomplishment!!!

What was left however, was a heavier box and my first thought was to leave that till another time, but hey, I was on a role and I thought how good I would feel if I completed it. So, although the box was a tad heavy I backed it down the steps and into the car. And I felt really, really pleased and proud of myself. And relieved to have that obstacle out of my way.

So here’s the lesson.

1. Things are not what they seem

Although that pile seemed larger and larger the longer I put it off, it really was only four bags and a box and the bags were light. But in my mind I had made it feel like I couldn’t do it. That I would have to get help. But I didn’t. I could do it and I did do it.

When faced with a situation, break it down into its simplest steps.

2. Everything is possible one step at a time

So what if I can’t do steps the regular way while carrying something. I can certainly figure out another way like backing down the steps.

Get creative in how you execute those smaller steps. Even if I had needed to take down one bag a day I could have eventually gotten it done.

3. Finish what you start

I am so glad I took the last box. It was a little harder than the rest but it completed what I set out to do. Completion is extremely satisfying.

Finish what you set out to do. Even that one little piece completed is progress.

4. You can do it if you believe you can

I’m glad I figured out how to do it by myself because that means I now know I can do a lot of other things by myself that I thought I couldn’t do any more. I just have to set about doing them one step at a time and believe I can do it.

What is your mind messing with today?

©2010 Cara Lumen

How to Overcome a Limiting Belief

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by Cara Lumen

magicianI’m a metaphysician and I believe my thoughts create my reality. For me that has meant staying away from doctors. When someone you hold in a position of authority tells you something is wrong with your body, it is difficult to use your mind to change that reality. For me it’s definitely a head-in-the-sand approach. However, if you find positive thinking health care providers it’s different. I hadn’t been to a doctor in 15 or more years but I found I needed a total knee replacement so I had to go. The first doctor I went to said, “You’re 77 what did you expect.” The second doctor said, “That’s pretty good for 77.” Guess which one I chose.

Allow yourself to be cared for

That second doctor is a gem. He told me all the tests I should have just to check things out. I had never had a mammogram before because it sounded so uncomfortable. It’s easy as pie so because I had a limiting belief about it I had never even checked it out. I had to have a breast biopsy and that doctor was great. He said it was nothing to be concerned about but we had nothing to compare it to since I had not had a mammogram before. It was strange but just fine to do and it came out healthy just as he said.

My orthopedic doctor is fabulous. I did EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) before my surgery because I was afraid of the unknown pain and after I did the technique I couldn’t get a single emotional charge out of the idea of pain. And I never had any. I was the poster girl for knee replacement I recovered so rapidly.

Here are three fabulous men with equally fabulous nurse assistants, who are kind, caring, and positive. I feel really cared for under their guidance. Sometimes your limiting belief can change when you find the right people to care for you.

What limiting beliefs are holding you back?

Looking for and seeing the positive is a cornerstone of how I live my life. I am still going to seek out positive people to be with and work with but my belief that I couldn’t go to a health professional to monitor my aging process in case it was negative was detrimental to my well-being.

I’m also going to keep an eye out for other limiting beliefs – mine as well as those of others. For instance, I want to protect myself from being with people who have given up on life in their old age. I want to be with people that are curious, and eager to learn new things. So I’ll find them and hang out with them. What limiting beliefs are affecting your health? Do you believe your aging process leads to sitting in a chair somewhere? Or do you see it as an opportunity to leave your legacy?

How to find helpful people to hang out with

You will absorb the attitudes and belief systems of those around you so choose wisely.

I have spent the last 35 years exploring holistic systems and metaphysical principles. I meditate with crystals and own Buddha and Quan Yin statues. I am a Certified Bach Flower Counselor and a Reiki Master Teacher. I have studied T’ai Chi and Falun Gong, EFT and Transcendental Meditation. I have had Deeksha blessings. All of that was great when I lived in New York City and in the area above San Francisco. Those interests and beliefs are prevalent there. But I have moved to the Midwest to be near my children and it’s like moving OUT of OZ. The people here are incredibly kind. And they are conservative. So I have to go find my like minded people on the internet. My friends are a long distance phone call away. I have to keep reading and learning and creating on my own. I have to protect myself from some of the conservative belief systems I am now surrounded with that I find limiting for me personally and immerse myself with belief systems that match my values and people that are exploring where I want to go next.. And maybe I’ll find some in-person like-minded people to hang out with here.

Stay true to yourself and you will attract the people you are meant to serve

A woman recently found me through my blog . What I had written inspired and motivated her. She wrote me about it.  We have had an interesting exchange on FaceBook and we have each blogged about the experience. For me it’s a sign that as I continue to put out the values and concepts that resonate with me I will touch the hearts of others and they will find me and connect with me. I just have to keep my faith and my values and share from my heart.

I have choices I can make about who to spend time with. I can screen the clients who come to me for coaching to be certain they are willing to do the work and trust me to guide them well. I can keep looking for the kind, positive health care professionals that I may need along my journey. And I can seek out new friends who share my enthusiasm for life and hang out with them

Become aware of your limiting beliefs. Go seek out people who inspire and motivate you to greater things. Open yourself to greater possibilities. Embrace change. Life is good and you have work to do.

©2010 Cara Lumen