self-awareness

How I Cured Myself of Giving Unsolicited Advice

July 19, 2010 By Cara Lumen

I get in so much trouble because I have a tendency to get excited with ideas and offer them to people unsolicited and it feels to them like I’m giving advice which I may very well be and it doesn’t go over well. Have you had that experience? It’s getting in my way and I sought some help to stop the habit. Even though I know I do it, it is so engrained as to be unconscious. I recently was given the words I needed to hear to make the shift in consciousness that has been such a long time coming. It has changed the way I now approach others and has softened my interaction with them.

Reframe what you are doing

Although I’ve known I gave advice too often I seemed unable to stop it until I heard some words that helped me reframe my advice-giving in a different light and I was able to make a change. My son said “You have positioned yourself as a trusted advisor.” That’s all I heard although there was more to the sentence because a major shift happened, I reframed how I saw myself. My son may have meant that I offer too much advice, but the phrase changed how I see my role. To me a trusted advisor listens and absorbs and listens some more. I liked being a trusted advisor. Suddenly I had given myself permission to simply be with people and not let my mind go off in all sorts of ideas that they could do if it interested them. It brings me great peace to just listen.

The second thing that happened was a I read a post by Tama Kieves www.AwakeningArtistry.com called “My Number One Career and Soul Coaching Tip: Listening with Love” in which she talked about sacred neutrality, how her role is to look for the truth, to observe and listen, to be curious, not conclusive and be a sacred witness for their consciousness. That made a huge shift for me, particularly when it allowed me to be curious but not conclusive. Listen and observe but not offer advice – unless asked for.

Listening creates more positive results than offering advice

I bet you money that very seldom someone comes up to you and says “I want your advice.” They want you to listen while they sort themselves out. And they do sort themselves out without our help. If you take the role of “curious” you might pose a question or two but you will not reach a conclusion like the advice-giving “you could do this or that.” And I really like the idea of being a sacred witness for their consciousness. The only answers come from within and sometimes we listen to the inner voice in silence and sometimes in the company of others. But the answer is ours to receive and ours to act upon. No one outside of ourselves can help us with that process.

So the third realization was that an outside listener does not hold the answers for another person. Wow, that’s big – I don’t have their answers so why am I running around trying to give advice? I must hold a sacred neutrality. I can be a sounding board so they can hear their own answers. That means that listening creates more positive results than any amount of advice giving I might ever do.

A new habit to create

This is a new awareness for me and I haven’t had a chance to put it into practice yet but I’m going to make signs for my desk that say:
• “Sacred Neutrality”
• “Sacred Witness for their consciousness”
• “Observe and Listen”
• “Curious not Conclusive”

And I’ll practice those qualities on my phone conversations so that when I get with people in person I will know how to simply be with them. Simple be. No advice, no ideas, just my presence, my supportive, listening, loving presence.

I can do that.

How to Stay Positive during Rocky Times

July 16, 2010 By Cara Lumen

by Cara Lumen

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it – this unusual period in our history when money is funny, jobs go away and the future looks uncertain? Are you getting discouraged? Do you have a hard time staying positive and hopeful? What can you do to see a bright side – the light at the end of the tunnel?

Look for the good in everything

Let’s see, maybe these past two years have seen you learn a new skill in order to get a different job. And although that was scary and you went through a lot of stress over choosing what skill to learn and what job to seek, you’ve done it and you are in a job that is better suited for you and more rewarding than if you hadn’t gone through the challenge of being laid off or needing to move on.

During the course of these odd economical times you have reassessed what is important to you. You are no longer buying all the stuff you used to. You have cut back. You have lightened up which feels marvelous. You are learning to cook again, to make economical dishes from scratch, and you are teaching your children these new thrifty skills. That feels like a positive result.

You stay home more so you have had to make your own fun. That means you have had friends over, or made a game night with your children, or watched a DVD together. It means you have gone on picnics and walks in the woods and camped overnight in your back yard. Those have been fun times haven’t they?

You had to move to a smaller home so you got to throw away a lot of things you really don’t need and the relief of being able to afford to pay your bills because of the move is tremendous.

Those choices are all positive. They are all about rethinking our values, ceasing to be consumer junkies, and finding friendship and nurturing with our friends and family. It’s about returning to a basic life style where human interaction is the cornerstone. That’s all good stuff.

What if there is a boulder in the way?

Sometimes we don’t get what we want because it would keep us from being available for the next big thing that is coming our way but hasn’t had time to arrive yet.

If there is a boulder in the way you find another path.

I’m moving and I started collecting things for Good Will in the middle of my breakfast room. And the pile sat there and sat there and I worried about how to get it down the steps into my car. At this point in time I can’t walk down steps without holding on and that makes carrying things tricky. But the day I finally moved the bags two things happened, when I lifted them one at a time they were not as heavy as I had decided they must be after putting it off all that time and I found another way to get them down the steps – I backed myself down and lifted the bags down one step at a time until I got them to my car. And did I ever feel smug!!!! I had done it, that huge perceived boulder had been chopped up into smaller pieces and I had moved it aside. And my lesson was that I can do that for everything!!! Take smaller steps and figure out new ways to get the job done!

Listen to your Inner Voice

There is one place from which to get guidance and comfort – that is within. In the moments you create of silence and contemplation, the universal wisdom you hold within you can be heard. You may need to journal, you may need to meditate, you may need to listen to the signs and signals that come up every day, but the guidance is there.

I’ve had about a year of listening. I listened to my inner voice when I decided in two hours that it was time to move from California to Kansas City. I keep listening to my inner voice as I’ve dealt with two knee surgeries which took my focus from my business and the business changed. I struggled with my inner wisdom when I resisted this next move and the reality that made it important that I do it. And I’m still listening because I’m being called to adjust what I offer others and that is not yet clearly defined.

The answers are there – within. They are in the idea that presents itself, the conversation you hear that suddenly gives you the answer you’ve been seeking, and in the opportunity that presents itself and the doors that close in your face. We each have a journey that only we are to take, a gift that only we are to give. Our job is to listen within for our guidance.

Change is good

This is a period of change and change is good. And change is stressful. And change is exciting. Be flexible. Be open. Be innovative. Question everything. Get really clear about your core values – what’s really important to you in your life – and make choices that honor those.

Look upon this as an adventure. Take it as an opportunity to help others through service. Look for new paths to take, new places to explore, now horizons to seek. Look for the good among the boulders – the plant growing in the cracks, the bird making its nest among the crags, the good life that is waiting for you regardless of how rocky it looks. When you look for the positive you will see the positive.

I Think I Can, I Know I Can

July 5, 2010 By Cara Lumen

by Cara Lumen

We sure can mess ourselves up with our own minds. We make things seem bigger and harder than they are. And we do it way too often. But all things are possible. We just have to take them one step at a time, one piece at a time and know we can do it.
The stack in the kitchen

I’m moving and I had gathered some things in the kitchen to give to Good Will. And then I looked at that pile and I thought about the 12 steps leading down from my apartment and I thought about how hot it was and I didn’t think I could do it. See how we mess ourselves up with our own minds. This went on for at least ten days with me eyeing that pile, thinking it would be very hard for me to get those bags down the steps and with each day the idea seemed harder and harder. Until today. A few moments ago.

It was relatively cool (80 degrees) and I decided this was the moment. So I picked up two bags and immediately realize they were not as heavy as I had decided they were with my ten days of worrying. I took them out to the top of the steps. Then I got two more bags. At this point in time I can’t walk down stairs without holding on so I had to find a different way. I decided to go down backward and lift the bags down one step at a time after me. So I did. One step at a time. Twelve steps and maybe three minutes later and I was down!!!! Getting them to the car was a snap. I felt so smug! I had done it by myself after all. An accomplishment!!!

What was left however, was a heavier box and my first thought was to leave that till another time, but hey, I was on a role and I thought how good I would feel if I completed it. So, although the box was a tad heavy I backed it down the steps and into the car. And I felt really, really pleased and proud of myself. And relieved to have that obstacle out of my way.

So here’s the lesson.

1. Things are not what they seem

Although that pile seemed larger and larger the longer I put it off, it really was only four bags and a box and the bags were light. But in my mind I had made it feel like I couldn’t do it. That I would have to get help. But I didn’t. I could do it and I did do it.

When faced with a situation, break it down into its simplest steps.

2. Everything is possible one step at a time

So what if I can’t do steps the regular way while carrying something. I can certainly figure out another way like backing down the steps.

Get creative in how you execute those smaller steps. Even if I had needed to take down one bag a day I could have eventually gotten it done.

3. Finish what you start

I am so glad I took the last box. It was a little harder than the rest but it completed what I set out to do. Completion is extremely satisfying.

Finish what you set out to do. Even that one little piece completed is progress.

4. You can do it if you believe you can

I’m glad I figured out how to do it by myself because that means I now know I can do a lot of other things by myself that I thought I couldn’t do any more. I just have to set about doing them one step at a time and believe I can do it.

What is your mind messing with today?

How Your Choices Affect Others

June 22, 2010 By Cara Lumen

by Cara Lumen

It was graduation and he had won a special award and was to give a speech as a representative for his department. His parents drove for an hour to pick him up and he kept them waiting a long time because he wasn’t ready. Consequently they were late to the ceremony and the worried organizers had been frantically trying to figure out who they might get to give the talk since he hadn’t showed up..

Does this person know that he is showing great disregard for other people by not keeping his word?

Does this person know that he will soon not be trusted to do what he says he will do?

Does this person know how adversely his actions affected many others?

Is it a conscious or unconscious choice?

Does he care?

Or does he simply not get it?

What do you do, unconsciously, that affects others

It’s hard to know how you affect others because you are in your head not theirs, but if you start observing the reactions around you, you will come to understand your effectiveness or ineffectiveness.

One of the things that happens to me when I get excited is that I talk fast and have no thoughts of the people I’m sharing with – I’m wrapped up in my own enthusiasm and pay no attention to how they are receiving it. I finally understood this when I found myself on the receiving end of that behavior. At a board meeting a person came in sharing her big idea in a stream of excited talk and when I asked a question about how that might affect my responsibilities she said, “Oh that’s not important.” That didn’t feel good for me but it was a great gift for her to give me – a reflection and new awareness of my own behavior. It gave me a choice to change.

Have you had a gift like that lately?

I offer advice way more than I should – it has to do with all the ideas I have. I have a friend who patiently continues to tell me that she hasn’t asked for my advice and I’m gradually being able to stop giving so much advice to others unless I am specifically asked for it.

What are you doing unconsciously that is adversely affecting others?

You may need to ask those around you. Start with your family. Perhaps it’s a family round table where you talk about the personal boundaries each of you choose to set, or how each of you would like to be treated by others. Perhaps the need for you to change your behavior is being pointed out by a good friend who is actually suggesting how you might change your behavior but you aren’t listening yet.

A friend recently shared with me that she was very critical of her daughter but not of her son and felt she was driving her daughter away. She didn’t like that she did it but she didn’t know how to change her behavior. We talked about how she could change her vocabulary when she spoke to her daughter and how she could consciously censor her critical thoughts before she spoke them and then choose not to say them. She tried it the next night and the daughter, who normally shared her excitement with her non-critical dad, actually addressed some of her comments to her newly-non-critical mom. It only took a new awareness on my friends part and a desire to change to make a difference in her family dynamic.

All the change has to come from you

If something is not working, you are the only one that has to change. You have to change your thinking, or your attitude or your comments or your viewpoint. Sometimes looking at the situation from the other person’s point of view can be very illuminating. Step into their shoes for a moment and see it as they do. Whatever the situation – whether something is working or not working – it is all because of you and how you perceive it and how you approach it. It’s within your power to change it – for better or for worse. Change your thinking, change your life.

Be aware of how you affect others

Start looking at the expressions on the faces around you. Become aware of how people respond to you. What do they ask of you? How do they include you? Do they exclude you? Ask a good friend to point out some things that are not working in your relationships. Then listen and see what you are willing to change.

When you change, your life will change.

Why You Don’t Understand

May 30, 2010 By Cara Lumen

by Cara Lumen

We were both frustrated – she didn’t understand and I didn’t understand why she didn’t understand. What a quandary! And I began to wonder why we sometimes simply don’t understand and what we can do about it.

Why you don’t understand

I’ve had two people in my life latently who for one reason or the other are in a place of not-understanding something they need to. And I can’t figure out why.

In one case the topic is finances. My friend managed for herself for ten years. Then she got married and overtime abdicated the financial responsibility to her husband. Now she is getting a divorce and must find a way to understand the rudiments of her finances or she will never be able to claim her own power.

And maybe that’s it. To claim responsibly is to be responsible for the outcome, the success, the failure. Is it easier not to try at all?

The other person’s topic has to do with her web site. What I figured out about her is that she never took responsibility to learn any part of her system – her shopping cart for instance, which I coached her in. There are tutorials, there is simply going in and studying it, and when I assumed she knew how to get the code for a “buy now” button after all these years because it’s basic I found she didn’t and I don’t think she even wanted to know how.

If you don’t help yourself, no one will help you

There is only so much another person can or will do for you. You cannot just stay in your “I don’t understand” phase. Even on the most rudimentary planes we can understand a concept – if we want to – if we are willing.

What don’t you understand and why are you not willing to do so?

My design partner will no longer work with this person. And I have no desire to work with her any more either. She has to take some responsibility. You can only hear “I don’t understand” so many times before you choose to give up. She keeps looking outside herself for the answers. At least that’s how I feel as a person who has tried to help her.

But what I don’t understand is why these two women can’t or won’t understand topics that are important to them.

What to do if you don’t understand

I’d love your comments on this because I don’t know why people can’t understand certain things. I do understand about natural talents like a math mind or a writers mind, but I’m talking how-things-interact concepts. My financial friend didn’t understand the concept that before she can get a loan she has to know what her income will be after her divorce and rather than starting with establishing what that will be, she went off house hunting. I tried to give her a very simple example of how capital produces interest and she refused to read the email, she said it was too much, she didn’t understand. She shut down at the idea of even trying to understand.

What are you refusing to learn? And why?

I have one suggestion for my financial friend – EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique around her inability to understand her finances. EFT helps unblock emotions like fear of not understanding, or fear of failure. I hope she tries it.

These women are smart. But it’s as if they abdicate their own power and are unable or unwilling to do what needs to be done to take the steps they desire.

Is it low self esteem? My financial friend’s husband certainly put her down. He had no patience with her and got mad when he tried to help her and then of course she was even less capable of getting it.

I’m trying to think what I don’t understand so I can see why I don’t. I’m naturally curious so I know a little bit about a lot of things. Ahh, I just remembered – chemistry. I was in chemistry class for three days in high school and dropped it. I do not relate to numbers well and the chemical abbreviations were an immediate turn off – I could find no way to relate to them and I didn’t want to know about it. I quit the class.

But what could I have done if I absolutely had to learn chemistry? Talk with my instructor until I found a way to relate to the topic. Figure out my own way to remember what I needed to know. Ask other students for analogies until I found the one I could relate to. Keep working till I had a breakthrough. I’m just thinking what I might have done.

I remember when I decided to learn to edit audio. It seemed complicated although I knew nothing about it. I bought Sound Forge and simply needed to take the tutorials. I would have loved to have someone come in for half an hour and show me but I didn’t and I kept putting it off and putting it off. When I did decide to simply start learning I found it easy and things I had learned in Camtasia years ago were relevant. I had put off doing something I wanted to do for nearly a year because I didn’t just sit myself and begin. We all start from a place of not-knowing. We all have to just start from wherever we are and take a step.

The woman with the web problem is jumping from person to person looking for someone to do the details for her when she starts out by saying she wants control of her web site. And yet she makes no effort to learn what she needs to know to do that. It takes time to learn a new program or a new skill set – and practice and focus. You have to carve out time to make it happen.

My financial friend needs self-confidence but she too needs to make an effort, to understand how her own mind works and find a way to help it learn what she needs to know.

Make a decision

I discussed this inability to understand with a retired school teacher and he said sometimes it was a matter of not being able to make a choice. We don’t make choices because we are afraid to fail, we don’t think we could possible choose correctly, or we simply have never allowed or encouraged ourselves to learn to make choices. No one can help you if you don’t make a choice. And even if you choose incorrectly you learn that that choice doesn’t work. If your inability to understand comes from simply not making a choice, change that. Make a choice, go exploring till you have enough information to see that it will or won’t work. Then either keep going or make another choice.

Know your mind

Our minds work differently as we grow older but if we have been playing with them all along, we just find different approaches, different methods of remembering and learning. Ask different people to explain the concept you need to know to you. Someone will have the perfect way to explain it so you get it.

You may not want to understand something (like how a car engine works) but if you need to know something then start looking for ways to understand. Ask different people to explain it to you in different ways and keep telling yourself you CAN get it.